Thursday, March 27, 2008


Blog kali tok nang bena2 luahan hati la. Thats why i write in mix rather fully in english. Very sorry mun ada yg sik suka bahasa2 kesat yg mungkin akan ditaip. Ya satu amaran la. If u wish to proceed, carry on, otherwise, u may leave this blog. Skarang tok, i’m pissed, sakit hati, rs mcm org bodoh, rasa totally rejected n suma2 yg ‘–ve’ la. Apa dah jd u may ask... let me tell u, tp mind u, to dr my side of the story, wat i feel. Bukan dr perspective org lain k. Hope u understand. K la, mudah jak sebenarnya, the performance for english nyte hari ya yg polah i feel even worse. K la, maybe i’m wrong, tp i dun care, if it is my mistake, pahal sik ada sapa2 muncul untuk tegur: pahal, takut dimakan kah.

K, this was wat happened. Sehari sbelum hari rehearsal, i suggest the class to end the performance with a simple pose, nak bg lebih dramatic la. Tp org sik maok and i was like, “sik kisah la”. Ada la point coz kan sik da masa nak prac. Tp, i was pissed when the next day ya, ada lg suggestion nak molah tarian, and it was accepted by the class. Logiknya 4 me to be angry was because “pasal pose, yg lebih mudah dibandingkan dgn tarian, direject... fikirkan lah... because, it was my idea. Sapa suka Si Lancang tok bersuara. These few weeks sgt mengubah mu life. I feel so frustrated oleh few of my frens yg i thought blh jd tulang belakang. Sik salahkan sidak org mun nya terikat dgn persahabatan yg lain. This blog wont explain evrything, tp its enough to tell u guy apa yg i feel inside.

Ada kawan tok, bila nya dalm masalha, boleh jak jadikan kita teman untuk mendengar apa masalah yang nya alami tp mun kita yang bermasalah, nya boleh buat sik tuk jak. Kesian dgn Dill k. Ktk org tauk sik betapa hidup nya ter’affect’ dgn apa yang dah berlaku. Dah la nya pendenagr yg setia, nya sendiri pun ada benda nak dipikirkan. Mun blog kali tok akan merubah sam sekali my circle of frens, i wont regret it. Sik kisah pun mun hidup tanpa kawan. Dah biasa dah dibuang leh my frens bah. Just that kat maktb tok jak i feel rather stupid... ktk org faham sik betapa susah to act place myself dalam kelas so that org blh terima. Susah k. I need to be someone in order to be accepted. Kmk sik pernah menyesal lahir dalam keluarga yang sik brapa berada, rather org miskin. At least, rasa derita dibuang ya rasa mcm sik matter jak. Sik kisah la org nak polah jaik, or think of bad things about me. At least kinek tok i can see sapa kawan n sapa bukan. Sorry la mun termakan duit, budi ktk org. Mintak tlg halalkan la. Tp mun sik halal pun sik pa la, nak polah gne mun org sik sudi nak halalkan. Sik kisah la derita kat akhirat kelak. My own mistake bah, sapa suruh makan budi.

I want to openly write about this someone, tp i guess i just keep it to myself la. The thing is, its just so hard to adapt to this new situation p sik kisah la. Janji sik berlaku d ukm kelak. At least the truth is revealed here. Ktk org mcm pelik la, sik boleh ka kmk duak dill rapat? Tiba2 rapat sikit nagn dill, suma jd menjauh, dgn alasan sik maok kaco. Please la, ktk org sik pernah cuba tanyak pun mun nak ajak kuar ka apa ka. Tiba2 padah takut ngaco kmk duak dill. Tauk sik betapa tiap2 hari dill pikir nya bersalah, sik semena-mena nya jd mcm ya. Dill, sorry . kmk bena2 rasa bersalah, tp tanpa ktk, kmk rasa, kmk dah jd even worse dr tok. Thanks dill.

Mun lepas tok ada org yang terasa hati n terus sik maok jadikan kmk kawan, kmk sik kisah. Sik la nak paksa org. Tp let me tell u one thing la, if ever u fear to befren with me once more, dont be, kmk akan terima seadanya. Mun nak berkawan, apa salahnya. Mun sik maok pun, sik kisah juak. Janji ktk org bahagia dgn pilihan ktk org. Yg penting, we should be responsible for our decision. Tp mun terasa nak try mendekati ya, kmk sik akan pernah berdendam, just that u need to show that ktk org berkawan atas dasar kejujuran and bukan sbb ktk org perlukan bantuan.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

>>>it was a fine weekend<<<

The net connection is not okey(u know la, putus2 ma...) so i thought i better do something. I had two choices: do my assignment or udate my blog. So i ended up typing a draft for my blog while listening to my newly fav song (“OMG, i’ve been listening to Misha”...i wondered, so i change la...) hm..what shall i write...nothing as sad as my last blog la. I’m trying my best to move on okey.

Okey, i had an okey weekend. Nothing made me depressed or sad but there was once or twice i dreamed of my parents; its okey, at least i know that i still have the connection with them. How i hope to meet them...

Okey2, lets move on. I managed to download misha’s vid after so long. I;m so glad that she’s still remembered by her fans...not just me alone. Keep it up kak Misha...

Life is full of ups and downs. That is what i always say to my friends despite once a while if fell down and hurt myself; crying out loud and thinking that life is so unfair, but hey, there are less fortunate people out there and they experience more difficult life(tiba2 ada bau dr tong kumbahan blakang asrama...OMG, i need to get myself out of my room, wait k....gv me 4 minutes...)

(guess wat...i was locked outside my room...ish... so, i climbed out of my neighbor’s room and carefully go to the so call balcony of my room, so that i can climb back in...when i was standing outside at the roommate came...OMG!!! i was like a theif, given him a surprise and i was like “argh...u should come earlier soa that i don’t have to climb.”)

Okey, that was a ‘selingan’: just how unexpected and wonderful life can be. Sorry la friends, i don’t have anything controversial in this blog. However, i do like to wish the TESL-UKM LINK 5 a wonderful exam. Do give it your best k juniors. I’m going to miss you guys.

Owh, i forgot to introduce u guys to a new member in my family(i mean a non real one la). “Introducing, ViVi, the cutest most adorable koala that i bought 2 days ago. Thanks to DEWI, NANA and ASH for spotting ViVi. I didn’t see ViVi at first but i’m glad that i met ViVi...

Monday, March 17, 2008

>>>its just me<<<

My weekend was a disaster. I was very busy with mdm tan’s assignment and along with that, i am busy with my life, as usual la... last Saturday i had a class, i mean, tesl 3 and 4 had class. We had hubungan etnik ( i owez call it etnik creative). Seriously, i’m falling for someone. i’m so happy whenever i’m with this person. The thing is, (dwi slalu padah... “ktk suka pakei tok ho...”, nasib la...) this person do not treat me as if i have a chance. Its more like i don’t have any. Well, that person’s life is too good even without me. I don’t deserve to be in this person’s love diary. Like i said in my post earlier, i am not a man in a silver armor...feels more like a naked slave (i’m suppose to emphasis the uselessness of this slave but it seems like a slave looks better than a knight without clothes on, hehehe...)

I’m afraid that my friendship would be ruined if i confess. I’m in a dilemma. I don’t know what should i do. At the time i write this journal, i’m chatting with safa too. She asks, what’s wrong with me. She said it seems like i’m not i a good mood. I wonder how she knows...but hell yeah, i’m not in my best mood, not because people are not listening but rather because i miss my parents. I miss them so greatly that i cant stand not crying while typing this blog; witnessed by my rumet.

I keep saying to myself that i need to be strong but my strength was my parents. At least i had my father with me after my mom ‘left’ when i was in form 4. He was my heart and my wealth, my wisdom and my eyes. When he ‘left’ pursuing his quest searching for my mom’s love, i felt as if my life is ended. Jsut tell me how can i carry on with my life when my strength is gone. How can i run, walk or even crawl when i’m “strenghless”. If its not for my mom and my father, i wont be here, trying my very best to be the best in the family. Now, i don’t have any dream. My life is means to just merely surviving another day. Sorry if u guys find my blog this time rather reflects how useless and pessimistic i am but this is me, the real me. I’m a man who cries, what’s wrong with that!!!

'Hampir ke situ', a song by Mendua, is a song which tells a story from my parents view; at least that is what i think they would think about me, giving me strength to keep on fighting back then. Now, things have changed. Life is no longer as beautiful as when i was with them. I can still remember so many things that i did with my parents. I even thought to send my parents to Haj though it may mean to starve: keeping the money for that purpose. For now, i shall only *sigh*...

>>>what if<<<

i was about to update my blog when i was distracted by my assignment (as if blogging is better). so many things to do this week and i didn't even notice that its monday and i had no weekend; i hate this... the thing is, time passes vry quickly, dont u agree with me? at 1 time we are sitting on our chair, typing, deleting,browsing, and so on...and without even noticing it, its late and sometimes we even forget to eat... (ish3, i dont even know whether or nor not my sentences are correct)... like it or not, we feel tired, yet nott able to finish whatever that we started. bak kata sepul...perem mons...hehehe...

at one time, we sit and think of ourselves, why is it that we're not in a serious relationship...(kesian ngan org yg senasib dgn kmk). sometimes, when we're alone and passing in front of us is a very sweet couple, we'll get jealous, thinking that we deserve a lover too... that's what i feel la...but, its ok(i guess)... as long as we're happy with our life, that's good enough...maybe its not my time yet coz i dont think i'm ready for any serious relationship. besides, who in the earth would want to couple with me, i'm not anybody's dream guy. my tummy is (blup, blup) fat and not flat, i'm a dancer not an ethlete, and furthermore, i'm way too sensetive to be a perfect guy, a knight in silver amor.

k, enough of that, shall i say, day dreaming. have you ever ask yourselves, what if one day, someone approaches u, saying that he/she loves u dearly, to the extent that he/she follows each and evry single thing that we do and keeps tracking us to the extent that he/she becomes a stalker, i can imagine if that happens to me. but its kind of nice though. at least we know that we're presentable, that we're rather attractive in the eyes of some people, though crazy bunch of people la...hehehe...

ok la people... i guess that's enough for now...dah menagantok...sleepy la. tomorrow got class... ok, till next post... asta la vista baby...

Saturday, March 15, 2008

its too simple

looking into my blog, rasa malu eh, mine, i think, the simplest blog in the uiverse. OMG, there are a lot that i ought to learn. wow, the previous post was quite a hot stuff...some feel hurt while others just dont give a damn. well, its none of my business. its up to u to actually make sense of my writing. seriously, i'm not perfect too. so its ok to give and take, to point out the mistake that one might do. dear classmates, i've been rather too careless and losing my focus lately, i'm very sorry if in one way of another, that effected ur life. i never mean to make u guys suffer of the subsequences of my wrongdoings.

the pic below is the poster that me, nana n hai did. simple yet meaningful... nana, hai, u guys have done a fantastic job. na, cant believe that it was a product of powerpoint 2007. i found it a rather amusing project. only after few hours, we have become the best powerpoint users...hehehe...

hm..there's actually nothing much happening this week. ha, i bought a celcm broadband. thus, i do think it may help me to actually keep updating my blog, i hope. hm...what else, my life is just so boring this week. too many asgmnets to settle. ample time were given but i prefer last minute work, my brain funtions better during that time.

is it that obvious that i'm gaining weight?

huh, i was hoping to maintain but there were so many temptations, no thanks to my frens. there bought so many things for my bday... and guess wat, i was given so many chocolate. few packets or shud i say boxes of it. hm..whoever would like to finish it for me, do sms...nop...i wont let u...hehehe...

its late, i'm so sleepy right now. gonna have hubungan etnik this morning. do think that i'm going to sleep... i hope its not going to be a boring lecture. ok guys, that's all for now. i'll write a new blog very soon.keep supporting k. dun forget to drop ur comments...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

dont be fake

I don’t know exactly the reason for me to feel like this but it seems very obvious: the fake expression people put on their face. Knowing the fact that something going on between us, we kept it aside, thinking that it may not be that serious, thinking that it would go away as time passes. Day by day, that feeling that we have, the conflict that we’re having is getting so unbearable that things turn to be worse; not as expected. It’s sad to actually notice the changes people go through but incapable of altering anything or making thing better. Hence, we put on fake expression, hoping that it works as a camouflage and thinking that it is unnoticeable.
Well, for some, it might work. They don’t care less of what is going on. For them, the world is all about themselves. Sadly, there are people who suffer badly due to the fake friendship that we hold on to. I wont state any incident that shows the insensitivity of my friends towards my opinion regarding their action because i think things might get worse. Its good that they are showing their true colour and that it makes me think twice before actually jump into a conclusion about something.
This writing might not make any sense if you’re one of those who live your life to yourself, and no one than yourself, but it does point out the so call little conflict that people of my side of the case feel. Friendship is now so cheap for me. It reflects more of the possessiveness and insensitivity of people so call friends towards others’ feelings. It is so hurtful to actually be expressed in words. Only those of the same fate may understand the pain deep inside which remains unnoticeable.
If these so call friends whom i knew for so many years can actually do this, i should be prepared for more. Things might get even worse in UKM, i bet. Maybe there wont be any friendship to hold on to anymore. We’ll just live our life depending only on ourselves because friends are just too disbelieving to rely on. At last, we’ll be hating each other friends... i don’t want to have that feelings.

Monday, March 10, 2008

ThAnKs FrEnS...

i once felt like not wanting to celebrate my bday becoz i thought there's no need for me to remind myself of how old i have been and yet not changing a bit...its rather frustrating to be confronted with the fact that u're getting old and there are lots to come.

this blog would be a very simple one guys as this is my firstblog. i'm still familiarising myself with it. anyway, i'm glad that i have my own blog, hehehe...

there are a lot of things that i want to share but it doent mean that i ave to tell u evrything right. we ought to leave some space of privacy to urself. n secrets are the things that i wont simply write about. its just for me and my best frens.